Disappointment

Image from Wikipedia

I have experienced my fair share of it, in life. Yet, I fear it still. I should know by now that my fear of disappointment can only perpetuate the sort of paranoia I see my friends suffer from regularly. The sort of paranoia I suffer from now. I have a terrible habit of over-thinking things. Of making something out of nothing. It takes away from a million opportunities, and not just the ones you spend so much time and energy expecting. Opportunities to see life in a new and wonderful way.

One can make something out of nothing in a more productive manner by avoiding that paranoia. Its healthy to plan, but not to plan for the worst. Our defense mechanisms are only holding us back, unless we accept our fate. It is perfectly healthy to anticipate bad things, so long as you anticipate the good as well. Understanding the balance, and knowing we share a role with everyone can only help us reach our own potential. One can find a beauty and a poetry with the bad that would be absent without the good. And the same can come of good with bad. But when one lets doubt fill their head, when one ignores the good and only anticipates the worst, then emotion will take over their better judgment, instead of working with it. There are a few people I know who appear to have lost that judgment all together. Who won't allow themselves to see the cycle for what it is, and only end up seeing what it does for them and their agenda.

I have to avoid these thoughts, this sort of selfishness. I don't want to see myself embittered by my failures, by my lack of accomplishments, by things out of my control, or by my useless regrets. I want to rise from the ashes with every defeat, stronger than ever. I want to feel no shame for what I have achieved. I want to truly believe that my path is chosen for me, and to follow it with my head up. I want to feel no regret for anything I have done. Life will go on no matter what happens, unless it ends. And until that moment, the only thing I have the power to change is my perspective. Everything happens for a reason. Everyone has their place. We all serve something greater than ourselves. Whether it be God, or the Earth, or the people around us, it doesn't matter what we serve or what happens. We are fulfilling that purpose. The true test is to enjoy it.

Complacency's Ugly Face Has Shown In My Mirror

I am becoming increasingly concerned with how I spend my time. This all started with the new year and the passing of a friend. But this concern is becoming frustration. And I only have myself to blame. I have stumbled through these last two years with a level of complacency I had never imagined myself capable of. I now stand before myself in mirror, a reflection of that apathy.

I fear my job has much to do with it. Food running had been a mindless job with good pay that I could lean on without much worry. Having time and money to do whatever I like, for the most part. But instead of using them to further myself, I dug myself deeper into this hole of indifference. And now, after changing jobs within the company, I have lost some of that time and much of that money. Another wise move by me.

And the only solution I have been able to think of is to look forward, past the James and Primehouse. How am I going to accomplish that step with the job market as it is, and with my constant barrage of bills? I'm not entirely sure. I just know that I need to make some real changes in my life to better it, even if it may be worse at first. I need money to do the things I want to do and go the places I'd like to go. But there are things I should be doing in Chicago. And if I'm not doing those things in my present situation, I need to reassess.

Until I find another opportunity, or another presents itself to me, I will remain at Primehouse. But now I will use it to build towards something greater. Because if I don't, whats the use in staying?